Let’s be honest. We both know you’re perfect. I am too… 99% of the time.
So what happens on that 1% of days where things between you and your person fly off the rails?
Stick with me, and I’ll walk you through five common losing strategies that can ruin a day, even in the strongest relationships.
Before we dive in, when things go sideways in your relationship… which sounds most like you?
- You chase fairness and correctness
- Loss of control can feel unbearable
- You want to let off steam without restraint
- You want them to feel what you felt
- You avoid conflict at all costs
It’s easy to criticize from the sidelines, or pull things apart in a post-game analysis. You might even secretly think of something you said or did and wonder “Why did I do that?” even “Why do I keep doing that?” but here’s the thing…
Our brains have multiple operating systems, and they don’t all see things the same way. What emotion we’re experiencing is often a giveaway as to which operating system is running the show.
For example in moments of fear, pain, anger, or shame, our brain shifts gears. Our inbuilt security system takes the wheel and moves us from wise, empathetic, and insightful to defensive, avoidant, even aggressive.
This is how we can sit down calmly and create great plans that go straight to hell the moment emotions enter the room. The part of you that came up with the plan is not the same part of you that’s at the wheel in those difficult moments.
This is where knowing our losing strategies comes into play: if we can recognise them happening in real time, we can course correct before we turn hard moments into bad days.
What you might notice is that these five losing strategies overlap. On that rare day when we’re less than perfect, there’s often a primary and a secondary pattern at play.
See if you can spot the ones that might be standing between you and a more peaceful, fulfilling relationship.
You’ll recognise this one quickly…
Losing Strategy 1: Being right, or fixating on correctness
This might sound like…
- “I’m not backing down until they understand how wrong they’ve been.”
- “This is outrageous. How could they even think that?”
The pull toward “objective reality” might feel justified, but in relationships it’s often a connection killer. Even in strong relationships built on shared values, differences will surface, especially during conflict when our emotional brain is running the show. Yes, people can be unreasonable or misguided. But trying to resolve those differences while triggered is a fast track to escalation.
Letting go of being “right” and focusing on understanding your partner’s perspective is the quickest way back to safety and connection, where mutual understanding becomes possible.
Easier said than done in the heat of it, but a lot easier than days, or even weeks, of resentment and conflict.
This one is sneakier than people expect…
Losing Strategy 2: Controlling or manipulating
This might sound like:
- “If they just understood, they wouldn’t feel this way.”
- “I’m going to make it so clear I don’t approve, they’ll have to choose between being miserable or doing what I want.”
- “I’m only going to love this person when they do things my way.”
- “I can’t handle their stress or upset, so I’ll do whatever it takes to appease them.”
This one is complicated because control isn’t always obvious.
It can be overt, like intimidation or passive aggression. But it can also show up as placating, neglecting boundaries, or relentlessly pursuing someone in an attempt to resolve tension through explanation. Whether it’s forceful, passive-aggressive, or disguised as “helping them understand” trying to control your partner, or the emotional climate of the relationship, leads to disconnection.
We can and should seek understanding. But trying to control another person won’t get us there.
This one gets disguised as “honesty” and “authenticity”…
Losing Strategy 3 – Unbridled self expression
This might sound like:
- “This is how I feel. I’ve got a right to express myself, however I like, and if you can’t handle it, that’s your problem.”
We can say whatever we like. We can call people selfish, unreasonable, hypocritical, or anything else that comes to mind. The question to ask is: What outcome do I want?
Do I want to blow off steam and say whatever comes out, or do I want my partner to actually understand me and work with me on the relationship?
Nobody is saying we should tolerate poor treatment. It matters that we speak up and bring issues to the table. But if we don’t consider how our message will land, we risk blowing things up instead of moving things forward.
A common sign of this strategy is allowing disdain to creep into communication. Tone, body language, and word choice all matter if the goal is to feel heard, understood, and connected.
The long and short of it is we can’t blow someone’s head off and expect them to show up for us, even if they’ve been dropping the ball.
And to be fair, social media hasn’t helped here. Some pretty misguided ideas about “authenticity” have made this territory unnecessarily messy.
This is the one that often feels most justified in the moment…
Losing Strategy 4: Retaliation
This might sound like:
- “I can’t believe they made me feel this way. I’m going to make them feel it too.”
- “Fine. I’ll do my thing. Let’s see how they like it.”
The question here is simple – do we want the person who wronged us to get resentful and defensive, or do we want repair, understanding, and a sincere apology? This is of course a simplification of what is always a complex series of feelings and actions, and as Ted Lasso famously said “I can’t wait to unpack that with you” but before we perform the post game analysis of who hurt who and where things went wrong, someone has to stop the escalation by choosing to take a step back towards repair.
Common retaliatory tactics include:
- Weaponised withdrawal (stonewalling): acting as if the other person doesn’t exist, with the intention of causing pain.
- Cruelty: attacking the person rather than addressing the issue at hand, name-calling, or exploiting known insecurities.
Disdain can be a trademark of both retaliation, and unbridled self expression.
The difference between disdain in unbridled self expression, and distain in the context of retaliation is intent. If we’re careless, it’s expression. If we’re trying to wound, it’s retaliation.
These strategies often overlap. Being right can be delivered with disdain. Withdrawal can carry a retaliatory edge.
Our job is to recognise our usual patterns and course correct early.
This is the one people don’t even realise they’re doing…
Losing Strategy 5: Withdrawal
This might sound like:
- “This is too much. I’m out.”
- “I don’t need this. I don’t have to be here.”
- “They don’t deserve me right now.”
Withdrawal looks like pulling away, shutting down, or checking out when things feel too difficult or overwhelming. We stop showing up. We go quiet, cold, leave, or mentally disappear. It can feel like self-protection, but it drives a downward spiral of avoidance. Nothing gets resolved, things worsen, and the longer we stay out, the harder it feels to step back in.
Coping strategies like consuming ourselves with work and business, alcohol or other substances, emotional eating, or excessive time spent in hobbies can start to reinforce the avoidance spiral. Even when otherwise healthy behaviours become escape routes, they turn into misery stabilisers, offering short-term relief at the expense of the big picture
It’s super important to mention here that having alone time, or taking a tactical time out to stop a conflict from escalating are both healthy practices, but both of these are different from withdrawal. Normal alone time, or tactical time outs happen with relational health in mind. Withdrawal is about escape and avoidance.
So which ones come up for you on those rare days when it feels like the wheels have fallen off your relationship?
Our biggest challenge in creating more peace and connection isn’t just understanding these patterns. It’s interrupting them in real time, when we’re angry, hurt, anxious, or overwhelmed. Learning to treat our emotions and thoughts as signposts, rather than absolute truths we must act on immediately, is a key skill we work on at Relational Skills Lab.
A second challenge we’re facing is that many of these strategies are normalised, even celebrated, in pop culture. Relatable dysfunction sells, even when it reinforces habits that lead to disconnection and heartbreak. Losing Strategy Bingo is always a fun game to play while watching any TV show written around relationships.
So take this list and get to know your patterns. Which ones feel uncomfortably familiar?
And remember, if you find yourself in the middle of a conflict or feeling disconnected, it’s a true act of relational heroism to choose a different path when your favourite losing strategy is calling.